You have fallen behind on your Internet payments. You must bring the balance current within 30 days of the date of this letter by sending the amount shown below to Outlander’s Bank of Pain in the form of a money order or certified check.
The total amount due as of [03/13/2011] is $254,650.00.
To bring your account current, you must also include with the above payment, any payments or late charges that are due during this 30-day period. Acceptance of less than the total amount due includes, but is not limited to, the principal and interest and all other outstanding charges and costs. Acceptance of less than the total amount due does not waive our right to demand the entire balance due under the terms of your Internet agreement.
If you do not bring your debt current within 30 days of the date of this letter, Outlander’s Bank of Pain will demand the entire balance outstanding under the terms of your mortgage agreement. This amount includes, but is not limited to, the principal and interest and all other outstanding charges and costs. Outlander's Bank of Pain will start legal action to foreclose on the Forum, which will result in the sale of the property. We may also have the right to seek a judgment against you for any deficiency after the Forum is sold.
You have the right to bring your Debt current after legal action has begun. You also have the right to assert in the foreclosure proceeding the nonexistence of the default or any other defense to our legal action and sale of the property.
We want to work with you to resolve the problem and help you bring your account into good standing. We urge you to contact Outlander’s Bank of Pain at 1-800-lutz] who will work with you to try to solve your current difficulty.
Five months have elapsed since our last contact. In that time no payment has been documented by our collections department. We have no other option but to foreclose on this forum. Here is our legal department attorney to serve you with the foreclosure documents and notice that ownership has passed to the Bank of Pain.
You are instructed to take leave of the forum immediately. and take your little hairy men with you.
This forum is under new ownership. There will be some new amendments to the rules:
1)All Tan-ettes must post nekked.
2)Haissan must prepare a buffet for forum members everyday ( I likes BBQ ribs)
3)Redshirt must now wash and wax my car every week
The Bank has become aware of your association with hookers and liquor. We are perplexed of your ability to purchase such items and not meet your forum obligations. However as you are a valued customer of the bank (not really you cheap bastard) We feel it is in the best interests of all parties to mitigate this issue of delinquent payments.
If you agree to send to the bank all of your available booze and hookers, the bank agrees to forgive the outstanding balance of your account. The bank does insist that the liquor be of high quality and the hookers are not ugly skanks. The hookers must also be equipped with catgirl outfits. The bank also requires a photograph of the Forum member known as “Fillet" dressed as Man-Faye (sample photograph enclosed) as we at the bank would be full of lutz and mock him.
If you are agreeable to this arrangement, please sign the legal documents enclosed and deliver said hookers and liquor within ten working days. From this point forward The Bank of Pain will closely monitor your future payment history. (We’re watching you, Bucko)
Um, Outlander, you left your car for washing in the wrong parking lot. Unfortunately, the Klingons were not happy. It is going to take me awhile to get the graffiti off, but it's good few people read Klingon, right?
It's a tough job, but somebody has to do it. To boldly go where no main character will go...
To the Bank of Pain
Sent 12:03 AM 8/19/2011
Dear Mr. Lander,
Through the notice of transference of seizure of assets by foreign entities in article five point alpha gamma twenty three section tango of the original contract between my Client Haissan and his Client TAN Forums states implicitly, if the ownership should be transferred, seized or altered in any manner without a one-hundred eighty(180) day prior notice through direct address to my client or his legal representatives, the offending party must pay a stipend of $315,679.428 in USD to Haissan every thirty(30) days including the one hundred eighty(180) days prior to the transfer, as the contract and duties of Haissan are regarded as assets with the Forum and to Organizations, Corporations, Government entities, etc. which may own or come to own TAN Forums or its partners and proprietors. This stipend also extends to a fee in USD which includes the sum of finances owed during the 180 day prior notification period.
No legal notices of transfer, seizure, or alterations were sent to or received by myself or my client by Bank of Pain or its constituents, therefore the Bank of Pain now must pay a fee of $1,894,076.568 USD to Haissan immediately as well as the stipend of $315,679.428 USD within thirty(30) days from the date of this notice or face legal action.