I remember this one ShawnMerrow! One of the best ever! Love it!

A Cat's Guide to Etiquette
1. If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good.

2. Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the evening. He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

3. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which contrast with your own.

4. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

5. For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

6. Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito season.

7. If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the book itself.

8. For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to doze. Then reach out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

9. For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens, pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

10. Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at night between 2 and 4 a.m.

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men, he dropped his club and immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "There, how does that feel?"

The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is taken to the local mortuary. He is wearing an very expensive and high quality tailored blue suit.

The mortician is a blonde female and she asks the wife of the deceased man wife how she would like the body to be dressed.

The mortician says that the man does look very distinguished in the blue suit he is already wearing.

His widow, however, says that she always preferred her husband in black, and that she would like him in a black suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a signed, blank cheque and says, "Spend whatever you need no matter what the cost, but please have my husband in a well tailored black suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the viewing and to her delight, her husband is dressed in a fabulous black suit. The suit fits him as if it were tailor made.

She says to the mortician, "You have done a magnificent job and I’m very pleased and grateful. How much did the suit cost?"

To her amazement, the blonde mortician gives her back the blank cheque.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must repay you for the cost of that exquisite black suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost me nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in yesterday shortly after you left, and he was dressed in a very attractive black suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a beautifully tailored blue suit instead, and she said it did not make any difference as long as he looked good..............

Trip to the Vet

Bloke goes to the vets with this big box. He puts the box on the vets examining table, opens it up, takes out a dog and lays it on the table. The vet examines the dog, turns to the bloke and says "I'm sorry, but this dog is dead". The bloke replies "I don't believe you, I want a second opinion".

So the vet goes outside, and a couple of seconds later returns with a cat. He puts the cat on the table, it sniffs up and down the dead dog and then casually strolls away. The vet looks at the bloke and says "There you go! If that dog was alive, that cat would have taken fright straight away and bolted. That dog is definitely dead!"

The blokes not convinced though "I'm still not convinced", he says

So, the vet goes outside and returns a few seconds later with a Labrador, the Labrador sniffs up and down the dead dog and then casually strolls off

"There!" says the vet, "If your dog was alive that Labrador would have sensed it and run away, your dog is definitely dead"

"OK" says the bloke, "I believe you, my dog's dead. How much do I owe you?"

"$250" says the vet

"$250 !!" exclaims the bloke

"Yep" says the vet, "It would have been less, but with the CAT scan and the Lab test...."

Impossible to Please

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

A blonde was weed-eating her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat, which was hiding in the tall grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to Wal-Mart.

Why Wal-Mart?

Helloooooo!

Paddy Murphy arrived at Boston's Logan airport and wandered about the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. A man asked him if he was homesick.

"No," replied the Irishman. "It's worse, I have I've lost all me luggage."

"That's terrible, how did that happen?"

"The cork fell out of me bottle", said Paddy.


******************************************************************************


As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Peg shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant.

She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and back-flips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Peg's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:

"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

He goes over and kneels down next to her. "Are you OK?"

"Yes," she replies.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

She replies, "What am I doing? I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb, and I wanted to do it by painting the house."

He then asks, "Why are you wearing a parka over your leather jacket?"

She replies, "I she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...."

You'll love this...


Yep. I know you will...

Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, “Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

Miss Arnold gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones and asked the same question.

Miss Jones, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

“Correct,” said Mr. Jacobs. “And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”