I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied,

wow, beer goggles just wont work on her

There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those that know binary, and those that don't.

Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I am doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks like mine, it is mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

I think we have some politicians in this country that follow a similar set of rules.

Toddlers? I know many adults that follow those rules!

Why did the rabbit cross the road?



Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?



How did the skeleton cross the road?

Ever Wonder How The Fight Started?

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked why, he told her, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...
__________________________________________

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed one night.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't look at me this time, simply replying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started...
__________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant; the waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the T-Bone steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

I replied, "Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started...
__________________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping through the channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started...
__________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary, she said, "I want something shiny, that goes from 0 to 200 in about three seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started...
__________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man, swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

"Do you know him?" I asked.

"Yes," she sighed. "He's my old boyfriend, I understand he took to drinking right after we split up all those years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since..."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's how the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you get so stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well, I couldn't believe it... he was a dwarf!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then, which one are you?"

And that's how the fight started...
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You just made my night Slow!!

Mandles

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